I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
