The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
this just has baby written all over it
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
