Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
