I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize