just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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