i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
only you would photoshop your dick
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
