Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
