Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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