My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
