I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
