I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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