24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
