I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
