Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize