Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
