Life is so much better after having sex.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
