sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
