sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
