Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
