you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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