i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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