Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
