question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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