I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize