Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
