I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
that may or may not have been my penis.
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