There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
