Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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