oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
