I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
