you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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