why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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