I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
