Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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