genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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