i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
