Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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