i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
