I wish my penis had an off switch
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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