in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
