im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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