proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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