Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize