Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
