Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
