No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
