I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
