woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
