Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
