i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
