Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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