You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
