I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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