I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize